The Wolf DOES have empathy....when he chooses.

Wow.  This new study explains so much of the experience I've had!  It also makes the thought of meeting up with a psychopath so much scarier.  If the wolf's capacity for empathy is turned off unless he needs it to manipulate you, he is now so very much more powerful than if he had no capacity for empathy at all.

Read the article here:

New research on psychopaths and empathy

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

This is a very interesting talk on abuse.  Not all stories are exactly like hers, but there are commonalities we should be educated about.

• Love Bombing (Charming the victim)
• Being the "perfect" soul mate
• Having a believable "sob story."
• Isolating

(There are more... check out Lovefraud.com)

We think we can help.  We think we can learn to behave in a way to make it stop.  We think we are the crazy one.

We feel discouraged, hopeless, afraid and helpless.  This is NOT something that happens all at once.... abusers are usually intelligent enough to subtly increase the heat until, before you know it, you're half baked!  I am thankful everyday for friends who noticed a change in me, believed me and believed IN me... who helped me escape when I could not think clearly for myself.

An LDS Sociopath

I have not posted here on my blog for awhile.  The nice thing about healing is that negative memories are farther apart.  I find myself taking my "book" of sociopath experience off the shelf less and less.

It is, however, still good to remain educated and alert on the subject.

I came across this article, written by a self proclaimed sociopath who also happens to be LDS.  I have felt that the church is a great "hiding place" for a sociopath.  Not only the LDS faith, but any faith that teaches mercy, forgiveness and the true love of God, or charity.

Because my ex, who I believe to be very similar to this author, is also LDS, I found the article interesting and want to share it.  I do not know if his inner thoughts are the same, but I know he is very good at playing the part of a "righteous, upstanding priesthood holder" in the LDS faith.  I also know that he loves to torture those close to him, behind closed doors.











Here is the link to the article:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201305/confessions-sociopath

Lessons about Wolves...

This is a great explanation of some of the traits of a sociopath.  Wolves with recommends would fall in this category, I believe.  Check it out.  Let me know what you think.

The Wolf is Hungry

Most of us seek relationships because we have a desire to connect with others.  We have love in our hearts that we want to share with someone special.  We desire the give and take of a healthy relationship.  Companionship with someone who cares about us is can meet a need inside every healthy person.

I believe this is one reason why it can be a challenge to spot a wolf in sheep's clothing.  The sociopath does not have these feelings, yet he understands them very well.  He is an expert at using our own needs and feelings to manipulate us.  He knows we want to see the good in others.  He knows we believe in forgiveness.  He knows that we have all made mistakes we regret... have hurt others in the past and that we feel badly for it.

That is why he will be "honest" with us.  He will tell us about his failed relationships and how he's a better man now.  He will likely point out how he was a victim in the sense that he didn't realize his ex was "mentally ill" in some way.  "If only he had known, he would have handled it differently... would have been more loving."  Perhaps he says he's worked at bettering himself in some way.  He sees his mistakes in his previous marriages and has taken steps to overcome his weaknesses.  He's telling the truth.  He will not make the same mistakes.  He has learned and will fool his next victim all the more.  He will set things up more securely so she will have a harder time escaping.  He looks good on the outside and he knows it. That is the plan.  He is intelligent.  He has an excellent job.  His co-workers love him.  He has a temple recommend.  He attends the temple almost every Saturday.  He holds a calling.  He reads to a shut in each week.

The scriptures say, "by their fruits ye shall know them."  Be careful!  Have you ever chosen a nice, shiny, red apple only to find the core rotten when you bite it?

The core of the fruit might show: Children who dislike being around him, and ex-wife who is afraid for her whereabouts to be made public, a spot on the state child abuse registry,  a police report, a lack of deep friendships, 2 ex-wives who are now friends, supporting each other....

Below is a link to an eery blog.  When I read it, I see many, many traits of the real man I was with, although he is not the author of the blog.

From a wolf's own mouth (Note the picture he chose for his profile.  Interesting.)

I'm not sure there is any good way to help another understand.  I've lived it.  I've seen what's underneath the fluffy, soft, white wool.  It's a wolf with sharp teeth, whose instinct is not about love.  His instinct is to meet his needs.  The more tender and fragile the sheep, the better.... He's hungry!

Removing the Hood

As a society, are we really that blind to evil?  I'm rather amazed at how easily we trust and accept situations that should be questioned.  Why is that?  Maybe we don't want to get involved, or hurt someone's feelings?  Perhaps we just want to go with the flow.  I'd really like to know... are we really as naive as we act?

Recently, a young lady I know met a man.  When I spoke with her, she said it wasn't serious and they had really only talked on the phone so far.  One month later, they are married.  Without even telling the rest of the story, doesn't that seem shocking?

When the marriage was announced (after the fact) it seemed as if most of our mutual acquaintances had not known about it.  Like me, they were not invited to the wedding.  Nevertheless, everyone I saw seemed very happy and excited over the news.  I, on the other hand, had a hard time.  My head felt as if it would explode with the warning bells going off inside!

Sadly, there are many women who really just want to be loved.  We may have low self esteem.  Maybe we've been alone too long.  Perhaps we have been conditioned by chick flicks and Disney fairy tales.  Believe me, I understand loneliness.  I understand wanting companionship and the desire for romance and love.  Society certainly helps us along!

I guess my experiences have jaded me.  You might say I've been "educated."  Please don't think I'm against love or romance.  Don't think I'm a man hater.  I still want love.  I still believe there are good men.  I even know many.  Romance is alive and well in the world.  I only wish that our young women were educated in reality.  What does a good man act like?  What are warning signs?  How do we know when we have found someone compatible?  Who can we listen to or seek advice from when making a decision as vital and important as marriage?

There are warning signs of a potential abuser. (See http://labmf.org/facts/warning_signs) Although I do not know this man personally, I see:

1) Quick Involvement:  This is the scariest one, because when a wedding occurs in only a month of dating, there is not time to discover if any of the other warning signs exist.

2) Past Battering:  I know that some ex's will lie and make up terrible things about their ex.  Most do not.  If they are making accusations of abuse, isn't it worth taking time to find out the real truth?

3) Isolation:  No double dates.  Unannounced wedding.  Not meeting friends.  This worries me.

   The truth that yes, there are “bad people” out there. The truth that those caught in an oppressive relationship are trapped because they are good people – not because they are stupid, blind, or did something to deserve it. The idea that daylight imprisonment can and is going on right in front of our noses – and that others can do little or nothing to help.  

Hmmmm….. Or can they….? I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can do a whole heap about this. I believe that the more we educate people about the reality of predators among us, the more we can stand up and do something about it. Because surely, the more that people can learn to trust gut instincts (we all have them) and the more we can act as a result, the more people can learn how to identify a threat and protect themselves accordingly. At the moment, sociopaths can more easily hide in a society that could arguably be said is psychopathic in its’ structure. 

What do I mean? I mean the accepted (encouraged?) focus on greed, competition, looking out for number one, and the glib use of the phrase “it’s not personal you know!” All these go against our natural instincts.  They encourage us to toughen up and hide our feelings. They encourage us to ignore our own internal sat-nav system that’s there for our own protection – for fear that we’re making a fuss? That we’re wrong? That it’s a storm in a teacup? That really – who are we to judge anyway? Better to put on a brave face and carry on regardless.

From: Lovefraud

I recently had to completely change my blog to remove any reference to my abuser.  The law says I have the right to publish truth.  Our society has a system that makes it very expensive to do that.  I avoided thousands of dollars in legal fees to "win" my right to freedom of speech by removing my blog.

Here is the cycle that abusers make free use of:

1. Abuser hides the truth of who he is.
2. He finds an unsuspecting partner.
3. When he's finished with her, she is damaged emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.
4. IF she tries to warn others, she is threatened.
5. She stops fighting the injustice due to lack of resources; emotional, physical, spiritual and financial.
6. All future victims have no warning.
7. Begin again at step 1. 

Step 4 and 5 are often skipped, making it even easier for the abuser to start over with a new victim.

What can be changed in our society to hinder the free reign of abusers?

In my case, I tried to search the internet for any information.  There was none.  Later, when we were already going through the divorce, I found documentation of his arrest record, child protective reports and his notice that he is on the state list of convicted child abusers.  I knew he was not a sex offender, because that list is made public.  The child abuse list is not.  I'm angry.  Within weeks of our marriage, this man attacked my son.  I had no idea I was putting my children in jeopardy.  How many children, each year, are seriously injured or even killed by their mother's partner?  How many could be saved if women could know the truth before allowing these predators into their home?

I don't want to be jaded.  I don't want to see evil around every corner.  I don't want to be suspicious of everyone.

I do want to take off the rose colored glasses and see reality.  I want to see evil where it really is.  I do not want to look the other way or be in denial.  I want to live in a society that is loving and forgiving, but not without caution.  People who have done bad things can change and need a chance to be forgiven of past wrongs.  That should not be equated with blind trust and blanket tolerance to all.  Sometimes we need to forgive while at the same time withhold trust.  We can be kind while keeping our eyes open to the reality of evil. 

Who is the Wolf?

I've been trying to come up with a new name for this blog.  I got thinking about deceptiveness, especially within the church.  Can people who seem righteous really be evil inside?  Can truly evil people do good things?  Can these people even fool church leaders?  I recalled there are scriptures warning us of "wolves in sheep's clothing."  Anyone who used to watch the Roadrunner cartoons as a child might remember Ralph E. Wolf, punching a time clock, donning a sheep costume and sneaking in among the flock.  The sheep continued grazing and feeling safe while he tried to steal them away.

Bishop Richard C. Edgley in  the May 1993 Ensign wrote:

In an attempt to further prepare the Saints against the inevitable threatening wolves, Paul the Apostle gave his warning: “For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock.” (Acts 20:29.) Where might these wolves get sheep’s clothing that is so authentic as to deceive the Lord’s flock? Could it be they are clothed with exceeding riches and fine clothing as Mormon warned? (See Alma 4:8.) The vainness and frailties and foolishness of men, the learned that hearken not unto the commandments of God, as Jacob warned? (See 2 Ne. 9:28.) Could it be that sometimes they may clothe themselves to appear as righteous shepherds, that even the very elect might be deceived?~Keep the Faith (Italics added)

The scriptures tell us that there will be deceivers within the church and that we will not be saved from their cunning.  We also learn that they will be so good at appearing righteous that the very elect will be deceived.  I used to think these scriptures pertained only to false prophets and perhaps church leaders who may go astray somehow.  I realize, now, that these people may manifest themselves on a much more personal level.

We aren't talking about good people who sin, here.  We all make mistakes.  We all do hurtful things to others out of frustration, anger or misunderstanding.  This is not the same thing.  A "wolf" would be someone who intentionally pretends to be what he is not for the purpose of lying, manipulating and using others for his or her own selfish, unrighteous purposes.

Such people are literally on Satan's team.  They follow him and he trains them well.  As they wreak their havoc, Satan seems to reward them well too... at least for a time.

James E. Faust in a talk titled The Devil's Throat (April 2003) said:

Satan is the greatest imitator, the master deceiver, the arch counterfeiter, and the greatest forger ever in the history of the world. He comes into our lives as a thief in the night. His disguise is so perfect that it is hard to recognize him or his methods. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Television has trained us to view the bad guy as an ugly, sinister looking man dressed in black.  I think we all know that isn't reality, but I never thought evil could look so righteous!  When I met my ex, he was such a gentleman!  On dates, he was protective of me and I always felt safe with him.  He never did anything inappropriate.  He had been in the church for a long time and obviously knew his scriptures well.  He went to the temple every Saturday and knew the entire session by heart (which he later quoted to me to point out the ways in which I was a bad wife and mother.)  To me, he seemed a great blessing!  Perhaps he was an answer to prayer, a reward for my long-suffering and obedience!  Lucky me to find an intelligent, educated, righteous and upstanding priesthood holder!

James E. Faust in a talk, The Great Imitator, given October 1987 said;

Shakespeare wrote, “The prince of darkness is a gentleman” (King Lear,act 3, sc. 4, line 143), and “the devil can cite Scripture for his purpose” (The Merchant of Venice, act 1, sc. 3, line 95). As the great deceiver, Lucifer has marvelous powers of deception. As Paul said to the Corinthians, “And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light” (2 Cor. 11:14; see also 2 Ne. 9:9).
The prince of darkness can be found everywhere. He is often in very good company. Job said, “Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the Lord” (Job 2:1). His influence is everywhere: “And the Lord said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the Lord, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it” (Job 2:2).  (Italics added)

Now, I realize if Satan himself can come before the Lord, would he not then attempt to get a temple recommend if he could?  We know that Satan does not work alone.  As LDS, we know that 1/3 of the hosts of Heaven took Satan's side pre-mortally.  We also know people here on Earth choose his side.  Thus, it should not have come as a surprise to me when I found out that temple recommends do, in fact get into the hands of the unrighteous.  Evil people can present themselves "before the Lord" for their own purposes.  They do not fool the Lord, but they can deceive His elect leaders.

Thus, the new name of my blog.  Wolves with Recommends. 

The First Presidency described Satan: “He is working under such perfect disguise that many do not recognize either him or his methods. There is no crime he would not commit, no debauchery he would not set up, no plague he would not send, no heart he would not break, no life he would not take, no soul he would not destroy. He comes as a thief in the night; he is a wolf in sheep’s clothing” (Messages of the First Presidency, comp. James R. Clark, 6 vols., Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1965–75, 6:179). 

Satan is the world’s master in the use of flattery, and he knows the great power of speech (see Jacob 7:4). He has always been one of the great forces of the world.

If you are reading my blog, perhaps it is because you are questioning your gut feeling about someone, or perhaps you are concerned about abuse.  Whatever the reason, if you have further questions about my blog, don't hesitate to contact me via my e-mail link.  I am no expert on abuse, but I've lived with a "wolf with a recommend" and I've learned a thing or two about how they operate!

My best friend will get this! LOL