As a society, are we really that blind to evil? I'm rather amazed at how easily we trust and accept situations that should be questioned. Why is that? Maybe we don't want to get involved, or hurt someone's feelings? Perhaps we just want to go with the flow. I'd really like to know... are we really as naive as we act?
Recently, a young lady I know met a man. When I spoke with her, she said it wasn't serious and they had really only talked on the phone so far. One month later, they are married. Without even telling the rest of the story, doesn't that seem shocking?
When the marriage was announced (after the fact) it seemed as if most of our mutual acquaintances had not known about it. Like me, they were not invited to the wedding. Nevertheless, everyone I saw seemed very happy and excited over the news. I, on the other hand, had a hard time. My head felt as if it would explode with the warning bells going off inside!
Sadly, there are many women who really just want to be loved. We may have low self esteem. Maybe we've been alone too long. Perhaps we have been conditioned by chick flicks and Disney fairy tales. Believe me, I understand loneliness. I understand wanting companionship and the desire for romance and love. Society certainly helps us along!
I guess my experiences have jaded me. You might say I've been "educated." Please don't think I'm against love or romance. Don't think I'm a man hater. I still want love. I still believe there are good men. I even know many. Romance is alive and well in the world. I only wish that our young women were educated in reality. What does a good man act like? What are warning signs? How do we know when we have found someone compatible? Who can we listen to or seek advice from when making a decision as vital and important as marriage?
There are warning signs of a potential abuser. (See http://labmf.org/facts/warning_signs) Although I do not know this man personally, I see:
1) Quick Involvement: This is the scariest one, because when a wedding occurs in only a month of dating, there is not time to discover if any of the other warning signs exist.
2) Past Battering: I know that some ex's will lie and make up terrible things about their ex. Most do not. If they are making accusations of abuse, isn't it worth taking time to find out the real truth?
3) Isolation: No double dates. Unannounced wedding. Not meeting friends. This worries me.
The truth that yes, there are “bad people” out there. The truth that those caught in an oppressive relationship are trapped because they are good people – not because they are stupid, blind, or did something to deserve it. The idea that daylight imprisonment can and is going on right in front of our noses – and that others can do little or nothing to help.
Hmmmm….. Or can they….? I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can do a whole heap about this. I believe that the more we educate people about the reality of predators among us, the more we can stand up and do something about it. Because surely, the more that people can learn to trust gut instincts (we all have them) and the more we can act as a result, the more people can learn how to identify a threat and protect themselves accordingly. At the moment, sociopaths can more easily hide in a society that could arguably be said is psychopathic in its’ structure.
What do I mean? I mean the accepted (encouraged?) focus on greed, competition, looking out for number one, and the glib use of the phrase “it’s not personal you know!” All these go against our natural instincts. They encourage us to toughen up and hide our feelings. They encourage us to ignore our own internal sat-nav system that’s there for our own protection – for fear that we’re making a fuss? That we’re wrong? That it’s a storm in a teacup? That really – who are we to judge anyway? Better to put on a brave face and carry on regardless.
From: Lovefraud
I recently had to completely change my blog to remove any reference to my abuser. The law says I have the right to publish truth. Our society has a system that makes it very expensive to do that. I avoided thousands of dollars in legal fees to "win" my right to freedom of speech by removing my blog.Here is the cycle that abusers make free use of:
- Abuser hides the truth of who he is.
- He finds an unsuspecting partner.
- When he's finished with her, she is damaged emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.
- IF she tries to warn others, she is threatened.
- She stops fighting the injustice due to lack of resources; emotional, physical, spiritual and financial.
- All future victims have no warning.
- Begin again at step 1.
Step 4 and 5 are often skipped, making it even easier for the abuser to start over with a new victim.
What can be changed in our society to hinder the free reign of abusers?
In my case, I tried to search the internet for any information. There was none. Later, when we were already going through the divorce, I found documentation of his arrest record, child protective reports and his notice that he is on the state list of convicted child abusers. I knew he was not a sex offender, because that list is made public. The child abuse list is not. I'm angry. Within weeks of our marriage, this man attacked my son. I had no idea I was putting my children in jeopardy. How many children, each year, are seriously injured or even killed by their mother's partner? How many could be saved if women could know the truth before allowing these predators into their home?
I don't want to be jaded. I don't want to see evil around every corner. I don't want to be suspicious of everyone.
I do want to take off the rose colored glasses and see reality. I want to see evil where it really is. I do not want to look the other way or be in denial. I want to live in a society that is loving and forgiving, but not without caution. People who have done bad things can change and need a chance to be forgiven of past wrongs. That should not be equated with blind trust and blanket tolerance to all. Sometimes we need to forgive while at the same time withhold trust. We can be kind while keeping our eyes open to the reality of evil.
